We Can Work It Out

As I will not repeat, I knew it would not work. Friday came around, and I was yet again alone. The whole day. Till 8:00. In a text message. "I'm so sorry".
I told you, dear bloggy, this would happen. But you gave him the benefit of the doubt that he would go and he didn't so I hope your happy you trusted him once again. Its OK though, I bet you feel like a fool. I'll give you comfort by telling you I gave him hell for it. I haven't even forgiven him yet. So do not fret, dear bloggy, for I have not failed you yet. Yet. I made a mistake by laughing at his jokes once again, he feels threatened no more because of this. No more scares, and I was right as were you, he does not care. Well, bloggy, that's mostly it. Have school again tomorrow, I care but I don't. It changes. Boo. That's all. Ciao!!!!! ^_^


Well, Well, Well...

Its getting wwwwaaayyy to cold out, my house is just FREEZING all the time. There isn't much going on, I just thought I'd write, ya know. I've just been DROWNING myself in Broadway music. I'm not sure why, Wicked's pretty good. Probably my favorite, next to Phantom of the Opera and everything. I read Wicked and it was pretty good, I didn't finish it though because it was about the length of Twilight x2. No joke. But I really love the music, call me strange or laugh but I do. Im for some strange reason completely addicted to it. =)

Before I forget - New Moon. Completely loved it UNTIL the end. "Marry me." Wtf?!
What kind of ending is that?! Me and about 100+ other people were all booing at the screen Thursday night. Going at midnight was pretty crazy, but incredibly fun. I was actually surprised at how many peeps I saw I knew. I think Rachel, Julia, Allison and some other people I don't remember, but I still love them =]
Overall, New moon WAS all I hoped and more, it just could have BEEN MORE. But it had enough impact to have me leaving the theater on Team Jacob. I never thought I would be, but something about him in the movie made me switch. I liked him alot better then in the book, though. Maybe that's why I'm just now changing. Maybe it was just all his smexy shirtlessness =)

But anyway, the last thing I'm left with is that Friday cannot come soon enough. Even though things wont work out, I'm ready to be disappointed so I can be excited for now. But oh well, I'll worry about that later. He swears so, I'll believe for now.

Bye for now! =)


Insperation - <(less)

One day you'll see your place,
The mistakes you made,
Your beautiful smile that used to light up my day,
It doesn't shine anymore,
Your arms that used to hold me,
Only hang limp at your sides

Whats happened to you?
December's strong winds,
April's cool showers,
You loved me then

Now look at you,
Your a painful wreck,
Sometimes I cant bear to hear you speak,
Sometimes everythings just to much to bear

Coming from my heart,
I hope you want do me dead,
as much as I want myself dead, too,
You don't understand that loneliness you inflict on me,
Just from looking away,
To her,
It doesn't matter

The streetlights,
The setting sun,
You were there with me,
I'm alone now,
Taking on life with a new perspective,
Of hate and sadness,
Such pain I've never once felt before

These things I'm expressing to you,
Are the very feelings I feel,
The very feelings you make me feel,
As I sit here, staring at that space you always occupied,
The hole in my heart grows deeper and deeper,
Till one day it'll consume me and everything I am,
The only feelings I have against your leaving
It kills even more to know there was and is nothing I can do

Regardless of what you say or promise,
How many times you visit,
You aren't coming back,
I know this, and I can tell you do, too,
I see it in your eyes,
Some sort of sadness I've never seen before,
The tender loving look I depended on,
I've lost it and I haven't seen it since.

No need to be afraid

Weeelll, my motivation for going to school has gone completely out the window. I'm dreading going back tomorrow, when I do have at least somethings to look forward to. I mean, only two days..well, one and half I guess. The superclass thing is Wednesday which means - no gym! Woo! Then Thanksgiving and all, then finally my boyfriends coming back to visit. I'm pretty sure he's trying to make up for ditching me on Halloween without calling or anything.
I really owe that one to Maddie though, she was sooo patient with me. Sitting there waiting for..three hours or so just waiting for him to call and Maddie sat there with me agreeing what an ass he was. So, I was glad I didn't have to do all that alone. Its all good now.
I don't really understand everything school related makes my stomach do flips. I've got nothing good going on, yet theres nothing bad I should be worried about. Maybe the source of all this isgym. Maybe since fitness day is tomorrow I don't want to go, plus my two most boring classes because of block.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I finally got off the damn waiting list for D.C. so I'm going and rooming with Maddie..that'll be fun =)
Especially with who we get paired with..hopefully that'll turn out well. That's a little worrying, too, but I'll deal with it later when I need.
I guess that's about it. Most of the stress (except for gym) is gone except for a test Wednesday but that's all good, I got it covered. So yeah, mostly everythings OK so I don't know what my deal is. My interest is just gone so, hopefully I'll be able to fix that. Especially when I see Jonathan Friday, he swears he'll be there but..I don't know.
So, then, carry on =)


Its Time

So, then.
I cannot explain the confusion inside my head, I dont understand how I can go, what, two and a half months without the 'horrible, aching, depression' of missing someone. Why now does that happen?
4 months ago I was ok, a little unstable but I got better and better and BAM. Im an unstable, insecure emotional wreck again.
Before, every night after he left, I would fall alseep with my phone and listen to the message he left me over and over again, but I slowley got better. About a week later I was ok. But this is the third night I've cried myself to sleep because of it. All this, insecure thoughts about losing someone arent like me and I dont usually get them. If I do, I talk about them. I cant. With anyone. Well, no one listens anyway. I havent felt so alone since I moved here, no one listens and I cant find anyone to help. I've never kept so much inside before like I am now, I can open up to people and tell them what the hells wrong with me but I just dont even know whats wrong with me this time.

Why am I thinking these things?
Why am I doing this to myself?

I just dont know anymore. My God, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g reminds me of him and it hurts sooo much. All the old thoughts buried in my head came back, all the memories I forgot that were replaced by the important ones that stand out. But I see all of them when I sleep and I cant take it anymore. I said I was going crazy but no one believed me.
Is it really possible to go crazy without someone?


Sudden Realization

Is it possible to have a bond so strong, you can read each others thoughts? You could care for someone so much you can tell what they're thinking, what they want at that particular moment?
The exact moment I feel useless, alone, used and any other word under 'sad' in the dictionary, my boyfriend messages me. The exact thing I want to hear. Is it that strong, that we can tell when theres something wrong from miles and miles away?

Love has always been...strange, I guess. It works in 'strange ways', blah blah blah. Everyone finds someone sooner or later. Rather SOONER, eh? Im not patient. Unless, I already have. That someone actually answered my prayers and sent me someone who loves me this much. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll have to move on and keep looking.

Oh God, I hope its the first one.

This feels right..

I dont know about blogging.
I've never really thought about doing this.
I dont know why Im even doing this.
I havent in awhile. Sudden insperation, I guess, eh?
No one is even going to read it really.
I need someone to listen, help, anything. Human contact would be nice once in awhile, theres nothing left anymore ya know? Have you ever gone from having everything and be SOOOO happy to just, not knowing what you live for anymore?

Jeez, my boyfriends miles away, his best friend who I was crazy about is no longer in my life, Im scared of lies now, I've have about six emotional breakdowns this week. Man, ya know,
this sounds like a messed up poem or something. Im not quite sure what to write that appeals to people, all I have is me. I need someone to listen, maybe FINALLY I've found my escape from everything that is overwhelming me. The thing is, all the overwhelming stuff is over. Mostly just what was worrying me was school, which is normal I guess, presentations, tests all in one week. Its enough for anyone to get frustrated over I guess. Even after everythings over I just feel, like ending it. More then ever.

To bad, that was only thing that PUSHED me over the edge. The thing that led me to that edge, sometimes it seems like dragged, was mostly just my social life. The people that I care about that INSIST on hurting me is what led me to that edge. Im tired of talking about that, though. Its VERY tired and I talk about it alot, Im actually getting tired of myself. Maybe thats why its hard to talk about.

All I really need is someone to listen. I try to be there for people, but theres no one for me. The only person that ever was is gone or is the problem. He just led me in the right direction and now he's broken my compass. I dont know which way to turn, what to believe, what to give up on. And what to end.

I have a song that fits perfectly right now. Counting Stars by Sugarcult. I've been blasting music so much, just sitting there till my ears ring. I've really gotten attatched to them. Its the only way out, but it isnt enough. Just, someone. God.

Like I said, this is all to depressing. And I hate it, when I finally find something to get my mind off it Im fine but after he leaves and Im all alone again that horrible feeling of not knowing what to do with myself comes right back.